Attachment Styles and Why They Matter More the Second Time Around

22 Oct

When a marriage or long-term relationship comes to an end, it is natural to spend time thinking about what went wrong. Sometimes the reasons are obvious. Perhaps you wanted different things from life, grew apart over the years or simply found that the relationship was no longer making either of you happy.

Other times, it is more difficult to put your finger on what happened. You may even have noticed certain patterns appearing in more than one relationship. Perhaps you tend to worry when someone becomes distant, or find yourself pulling away just as things begin to get serious.

Our attachment styles can help explain some of these behaviours, and understanding them can be particularly useful when considering dating again after divorce or the end of a significant relationship.

The good news is that we are not destined to repeat the same experiences. With a little understanding of ourselves, there is every reason to approach a new relationship with confidence and optimism.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Our attachment style is essentially the way we form emotional connections with other people, particularly in romantic relationships. It can influence how comfortable we feel with intimacy, how we deal with disagreements and how much reassurance we need from a partner.

The theory has its roots in research into childhood relationships, although our experiences throughout adulthood can also shape how we behave with someone we love.

Psychologists generally recognise four main attachment styles. Most of us will identify with aspects of more than one, and the way we behave can change depending on the person we are with.

Understanding these different styles is not about putting ourselves or others into categories. It is simply a useful way of recognising why we sometimes react as we do, particularly when emotions are involved.

The Four Types of Attachment Style

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style often place a great deal of importance on feeling close to their partner. They can be wonderfully affectionate and attentive, but may also worry about whether those feelings are returned.

Something as simple as an unanswered message or a change in someone's usual manner can leave them wondering whether they have done something wrong.

This can be particularly difficult for someone who has experienced rejection, infidelity or an unhappy marriage. Even when a new partner has given them no reason to doubt their intentions, old insecurities can sometimes resurface.

The challenge is learning to recognise when those worries are justified and when they are being influenced by previous experiences.

Avoidant Attachment

At the other end of the spectrum are those with an avoidant attachment style. These individuals tend to value their independence and may find it harder to open up emotionally.

They might enjoy spending time with someone and genuinely want a relationship, yet feel uncomfortable when things become more intimate or serious.

We often meet people who have built very happy, independent lives following a divorce or separation. They have established their own routines, friendships and interests, and the prospect of making room for someone new can take a little adjustment.

Of course, enjoying your independence is no bad thing. A healthy relationship should allow both people to retain their individuality. Problems can arise, however, when keeping someone at arm's length becomes a way of avoiding emotional vulnerability altogether.

Disorganised Attachment

Disorganised attachment, sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment, can be a little more complicated.

Someone with this attachment style may long for a close, loving relationship but find themselves becoming anxious or uncomfortable when that closeness develops.

They might seek reassurance one moment and withdraw the next, which can understandably be confusing for both people.

These patterns can sometimes be linked to difficult experiences earlier in life, although there is no single explanation that applies to everyone.

With greater self-awareness and, where appropriate, professional support, it is possible to develop a more comfortable and trusting approach to relationships.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style is generally associated with feeling comfortable in a relationship, trusting your partner and being able to communicate openly.

Securely attached people are usually happy to enjoy emotional closeness while maintaining their own interests and independence. They can discuss problems without immediately fearing the worst and are generally comfortable giving and receiving affection.

This certainly doesn't mean they have perfect relationships. Even the happiest couples disagree, become frustrated with one another and occasionally say the wrong thing.

What matters is their ability to work through those moments without allowing them to undermine the relationship.

And importantly, secure attachment is something we can develop. Just because previous relationships have been difficult does not mean future ones will be.

Why Attachment Styles Matter When Dating After Divorce

One of the advantages of dating later in life is that we tend to know ourselves rather better than we did in our twenties.

We have had time to establish careers, raise families, develop friendships and discover what makes us happy. We are often clearer about the qualities we admire in another person and the sort of relationship we would like.

But we also bring our experiences with us, including those we might rather forget.

Someone who felt overlooked or unappreciated in a previous marriage may be particularly sensitive to a new partner appearing distracted or unavailable. Another person who felt they lost their independence during a long relationship may be reluctant to make compromises, even perfectly reasonable ones.

It is easy to see how misunderstandings can arise, particularly in the early stages of getting to know someone.

This is where understanding your attachment style can be helpful. It allows you to consider whether your reaction is really about the person in front of you or whether something from the past is influencing how you feel.

That does not mean ignoring genuine concerns or making excuses for poor behaviour. It simply means giving a new relationship the opportunity to develop without assuming it will follow the same course as the last.

Learning From Previous Relationships

Looking back at a marriage or long-term relationship is not always easy, especially if the ending was painful.

It can be tempting to focus entirely on what the other person did wrong. And sometimes, of course, there may have been very good reasons for the relationship coming to an end.

But there can also be value in considering our own behaviour and whether there are things we might approach differently in the future.

Perhaps you found it difficult to express what was troubling you, or expected your partner to understand how you felt without actually telling them. You may have avoided disagreements for the sake of keeping the peace, only to find that resentment built up over time.

Equally, you might recognise that you needed more reassurance than your partner was able to give.

None of this is about assigning blame. It is about recognising what worked, what didn't and what you might want from a future relationship.

In our experience, people who have taken the time to reflect on previous relationships often have a much clearer idea of what will make them happy the second time around.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes, and this is perhaps one of the most encouraging aspects of attachment theory.

Although some of our relationship habits can be deeply ingrained, they are not necessarily permanent. Our attachment styles can change as we gain experience, become more aware of our reactions and develop greater trust in ourselves and others.

For someone with anxious tendencies, this might mean learning not to assume the worst when a partner needs a little space. For someone who tends to be avoidant, it could involve making more of an effort to talk about feelings rather than withdrawing when things become uncomfortable.

Often, it is the smaller changes that make the greatest difference.

There are plenty of books and resources available on attachment theory, and some people find it helpful to explore these patterns with a therapist, particularly if previous experiences have left them struggling with trust or emotional intimacy.

But it is also worth remembering that relationships themselves can help us grow. Spending time with someone who is kind, consistent and considerate can gradually make it easier to feel secure.

Attachment Styles in a New Relationship

It is one thing to understand your attachment style in theory and quite another to recognise it when you start dating someone new.

The early stages of a relationship can be exciting, but they can also bring a certain amount of uncertainty. Even someone who is normally confident and independent may find themselves wondering whether the other person feels the same way.

Rather than trying to analyse every message or decide which attachment style your new partner has, it is usually far more helpful to pay attention to how you feel when you are together.

Can you be yourself in their company? Do you feel listened to and respected? Are you able to talk about things that matter to you without worrying how they will react?

And perhaps just as importantly, are you giving the other person the same consideration?

Good communication makes an enormous difference. If something is bothering you, try to talk about it rather than allowing it to become a bigger issue. If you need time to yourself, explain that rather than simply becoming distant.

There is no expectation that two people should think or behave in exactly the same way. In fact, some of the happiest relationships are between people with quite different personalities.

What matters is that both are willing to understand one another and make the relationship work.

Finding the Right Person the Second Time Around

At Bowes-Lyon Partnership, many of our members come to us following the end of a marriage or long-term relationship. Some have spent several years on their own, while others are only just beginning to consider the possibility of meeting someone new.

Often, they have very full and enjoyable lives already. What they would love is someone special to share those experiences with, whether that means travelling together, enjoying family occasions or simply having the pleasure of one another's company.

Naturally, shared interests, lifestyle and attraction all have an important part to play in finding a compatible partner. But we also believe that understanding someone's personality, values and approach to relationships is just as important.

Two people may appear perfectly suited on paper, yet have very different expectations of what a relationship should look like. One might want to spend every available moment together, while the other is happiest maintaining a little more independence.

Neither approach is necessarily right or wrong, but understanding those differences early on can help avoid disappointment.

It is one of the reasons we take such care to get to know our members properly. We want to understand not only the sort of person they hope to meet, but also what a happy, lasting relationship would mean to them.

Looking Forward, Rather Than Back

There is no doubt that the end of a marriage or significant relationship can change how we approach love. We may be more cautious, a little slower to trust or simply less willing to compromise on the things that matter most to us.

But experience can also be a wonderful advantage.

Understanding our attachment styles gives us another way of making sense of our past relationships and recognising what we might do differently in the future. It is not about finding fault with ourselves or trying to become someone we are not.

The aim, surely, is to find a relationship in which we feel comfortable, appreciated and happy, while allowing our partner to feel exactly the same.

And whatever our previous experiences, there is no reason why that shouldn't still be possible.

At Bowes-Lyon Partnership, we have been helping people find meaningful, lasting relationships since 2009. If you are considering dating again and would welcome a more personal, considered approach, we would be delighted to hear from you.