Guarded Hearts: Overcoming Trust Issues and 'Gold-Digger' Fears
Being wealthy comes with its difficulties, and trust is a big one. Invasive thoughts around whether people like you for you, or for your money, can be stifling and it can cause issues in relationships both current and future.
But how do you get away from these trust issues? It’s a fact that there are people out there who will want to be in a relationship with you just because they know you have a lot of money. So how do you filter out genuine relationships from gold diggers, and how do you make sure your insecurities don’t bleed across into authentic relationships?
How to Overcome Financial Trust Issues
Don’t Flaunt It
On a first date you never tell your partner everything about you. Some things are kept quiet and are shared only as you build trust. The same can be done with wealth. You can still do nice things on a first, second or third date without going over the top.
Wear nice clothes but avoid high-value logos that make their cost obvious. Pick a nice place that’s not super fancy. Take off your watch for the evening or switch it for something a little less exclusive.
If you reduce obvious wealth-markers during the initial dating period, you can eliminate the money barrier and help a person get to know you for you, without the distractions. After you are more certain that they enjoy spending time with you (and not your money), then you can pick an appropriate time to be a bit more open about your financial status. By that point, you should feel more confident about their feelings and so trust issues are less likely to rear their ugly head.
Avoid Financial Conversations Early On
It can be a red flag when people are overly interested in money early on in a relationship. Does your new partner always ask you about money, or make comments about finances? Do they ask lots of questions about your earnings, your bank accounts, your travel habits? When written down like this, these signs seem like they should be obvious, but they can be surprisingly subtle. However, keep an eye out for them when you start dating someone new. And remember, there’s a difference between asking about your job and probing into exactly how much you earn.
Find Someone on Your Level
“On Your level” can mean all sorts of things - age, education, interests, wealth... Despite the trope that opposites attract, the truth is that relationships tend to work much better when people are similar in particular important aspects. Dating someone who shares these kinds of lifestyle qualities means they’re much less likely to be interested in you for just your money. And any future relationship is more likely to be successful, too.
Recognise How Each of You Contributes to the Relationship
Just because someone is less wealthy than you does not mean that they are a gold digger, even if you pay for most things. To overcome any trust issues, look at how each of you contributes to the relationship, and remember to assign value to what they’re doing, even if it’s not a financial contribution. Do they do all the housework for example? Most of the childcare? Do they sort out all of the “life admin”? Relationships are give- and-take, so they may be giving something non-financial that is still important.
Discuss Boundaries
If you are already in an established relationship and are struggling with trust issues, it’s never too late to begin discussing boundaries.
Start with an open conversation - going in all guns blazing and “laying down the law” is bound to get anyone’s back up, even if they’re completely genuine. Have a conversation about where your thoughts are currently, where you want to see change, and what they’d like too. Share ideas and find a balance where you’re both content. Open discussions like this can build trust just through having the conversation, and they can help partners understand each other’s perspectives.
If you are in a new relationship and worried about gold digging, you can start discussing expectations in a more general, less intense way. Get a feel for their attitude towards money and share yours. Learn more about their job and their goals in life. Do they want to be a stay-at-home parent? Are they flippant about spending money? Such discussions won’t necessarily implicate them as a gold digger, but they might reveal financial compatibility (or not). Identifying a similar attitude towards money, whatever your wealth, can be strong groundwork for a relationship.
Conclusion
The wealthier you are, the harder it can be to trust that people aren’t just after your money. These can be valid concerns, but they can also harm genuine relationships, so it’s important to find balance. Avoiding being overly flashy, having open discussions on boundaries, and looking out for early signs of excessive interest in money can help you spot gold diggers and be able to more easily trust potential partners.