The Perfectionist's Trap: When High Standards Hinder Love

“Perfectionism is the enemy of progress.”

Winston Churchill’s words ring true in many areas of life, even in love.

At Bowes-Lyon Partnership, we meet many people who hold themselves to high standards and naturally expect the same from a partner. And rightly so. But sometimes, in striving for perfection, we can unintentionally close the door to something truly wonderful.

When Do Standards Become Too High?

Having clear expectations is a sign of self-respect. You know what you bring to a relationship, and you have every right to seek someone equally grounded, ambitious, and kind.
However, perfectionism can sometimes disguise something deeper, such as a fear of vulnerability, rejection, or disappointment. By setting the bar impossibly high, you may be protecting yourself from risk, but also from possibility.

None of us are perfect. Real love is not found in flawless credentials or a polished checklist. It grows in shared values, mutual admiration, and a willingness to embrace someone’s quirks as part of their charm.

The Problem with Chasing “Perfect”

When we look for perfection, we often start noticing flaws. No one can thrive under that kind of scrutiny. It also leaves you in a cycle of disappointment, with each date compared against an ideal that does not exist.

We have seen it first-hand. One of our members came to us with a very clear brief: he wanted to meet a British woman with children of her own. After several thoughtful introductions, we gently encouraged him to stay open-minded. Eventually, he met someone entirely different from his initial type, an Iranian woman without children. They married two years later. What changed was not fate, but perspective.

How to Loosen the Grip of Perfectionism

If you suspect that perfectionism might be standing between you and a fulfilling relationship, here are a few ways to approach dating with more openness, without compromising what truly matters.

1. Separate the essentials from the extras
Make a list of what is truly important to you, your non-negotiables. Then take a step back and see which qualities are preferences rather than requirements. A partner’s core values, integrity, and life outlook are what ultimately sustain a relationship.

2. Keep perspective
Sometimes our imagined “perfect” partner does not exist in the real world. Be realistic about compatibility in age, lifestyle, and stage of life. A slightly different version of what you imagined may, in fact, be far better suited to you.

3. Focus on the positives
When you meet someone new, notice how you feel rather than analysing every detail. Are you at ease? Do you laugh together? Often, chemistry develops not from what you expect, but from what surprises you.

4. Do the inner work
If perfectionism feels rooted in fear, whether of rejection or of being hurt, it can be helpful to explore that with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist. Understanding your own patterns can open the way to a more natural connection.

A Final Thought

High standards are a strength. They speak to discernment, self-awareness, and emotional maturity. But love requires a touch of grace, room for imperfection, spontaneity, and surprise.

The right person will not tick every box, but they will make you glad you set the list aside.