Dating After Loss: Relearning Love Post-Tragedy
Losing someone we love has to be one of the hardest experiences of our lives. When it’s your partner - someone who has been by your side through thick and thin - it leaves a hole that is impossible to fill.
Yet, when you have had the time to grieve properly and fully, you may start thinking about dating again. There can be all sorts of reasons for this: the desire for companionship, a wish for some excitement, or even as part of the grieving process itself.
Lots of unwanted and difficult feelings can accompany dating after loss: further grief, guilt, nervousness, a sense that you’re “cheating” on your late partner… All these are a tricky yet navigable part of this stage of your life.
Our guide will take you through the stages and considerations of returning to the dating world after the loss of a partner.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Allowing yourself time to grieve is, of course, the most important thing. And this looks different for everyone: it can be a matter of months before you are ready, or it can take years. You might find yourself starting to date when you think you are ready, but then realise it’s not the right time. That’s also fine: you can always take a step back and start again when you’re ready.
Take it Slowly
You are not in a race. Whether it’s first dipping your toe into the dating pool, or going on plenty of low-pressure dates with one person, taking it slowly will help you gently feel your way through this difficult process. Take your time to debrief after each date and interaction and explore how you feel. Addressing our feelings like this can help us understand their complexity and work our way through them.
Master the Guilt
Guilt will probably accompany you when you first start dating - and possibly for a long time after, too. It is completely normal, and is something you may just have to carry with you. But guilt doesn’t have to prevent you from dating entirely, you just need to accept it, and allow it to gradually fade.
Guilt often stems from the feeling that you’re being disloyal to your partner, even though they’re no longer around. It’s not always easy to balance loving and missing someone with the happiness that comes with dating someone new. Taking things slowly will help this and, if you feel comfortable, it may even help to broach the subject with your date.
Be Open and Honest with Your Date
To help both you and your date adjust, it’s important to be open with them. You don’t have to spill your heart out, of course, but letting them know that you are new to dating after losing a partner can help you both. It allows them to adjust their expectations and understand the reason if you are not as enthusiastic as you might otherwise be. It also takes some pressure off you from feeling you have to hide your situation.
Manage Your Expectations
After loss, one of the biggest difficulties is managing your own expectations of any potential new partner. It’s important to remember that they are not your late partner. They have a different personality, different life experiences, and different strengths and weaknesses. Be open to how things might be different and try to avoid direct comparisons. Appreciate them for who they are, not for who they aren’t.
Consider Others
Now, this is something to take with a pinch of salt because these are your choices for your life. But the truth is that grief isn’t something isolated that’s happening just to you. You may have children, in-laws, and friends who have all suffered a loss alongside you and, while their feelings shouldn’t dictate the actions you take, they still play a role.
These other relations may have strong feelings about your dating - when you do it, how you do it and even whether you do it at all. Have conversations and be sensitive to the feelings of others - which we know is incredibly hard when you’re going through such an upheaval yourself. Children, especially, can find it hard to think about you dating other people, and their feelings are valid too.
Ultimately, the feelings of others shouldn’t dictate whether or not you date, but being open and having conversations about it can help everyone with the transition period.
Dating After Loss: How We Can Help
Dating after losing someone you love is never going to be easy, even if you think you are completely ready to take the next step. Here at Bowes-Lyon, our introductions are carefully selected, which means we can take into consideration your position and match you with someone who is both compatible and understanding.
If you would like us to support you taking this momentous step, please get in touch.